I first wrote about this back in 2010. Sixteen years later, the world has changed quite a bit. We’ve got more technology, more ways to communicate, and more opportunities to see what everyone else is doing.
And yet, one thing hasn’t changed much at all.
We still spend an extraordinary amount of time comparing ourselves with other people.
Their careers. Their houses. Their holidays. Their achievements. Their apparently wonderful lives.
And somewhere along the way, we start wondering whether we’re doing as well as they are.
But here’s something I’ve been thinking about.
Who decided what success was supposed to look like in the first place?
Whose measuring stick are you using?
For some people, success means building a business, earning a good income, or reaching the top of their profession. For others, it’s having time to spend with family, enjoying their work, or simply being able to finish at five o’clock and leave the office behind.
I’ve known people with impressive job titles who were thoroughly miserable. And I’ve known people with very little in the way of material possessions who seemed perfectly content with their lives.
So who’s more successful?
Well, that rather depends on who’s doing the measuring, doesn’t it?
The trouble is that we often adopt other people’s ideas of success without stopping to question whether they actually mean anything to us.
Our parents have expectations. Our friends have opinions. Society has its own rather elaborate scorecard.
And social media, of course, has turned comparison into something of an Olympic sport.
We see the promotion, the new house, the fabulous holiday, the smiling family photograph.
What we don’t see are the arguments, disappointments, sleepless nights, and uncertainties that are part of everyone else’s life too.
We’re comparing our everyday reality with somebody else’s carefully selected highlights.
Hardly a fair competition.
There’s only one of you
Oscar Wilde is often credited with saying, “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”
I’ve always liked that.
There’s humour in it, but there’s also something worth remembering.
Nobody else has lived your life. Nobody else has had precisely your experiences, your opportunities, your challenges, or your relationships.
So why would you measure your success against theirs?
I’ve spent a good many years working with people, and one thing I’ve noticed is how much energy we can waste worrying about what others think of us.
Will they approve? Will they understand? Will they think I’ve made the right decision?
It’s exhausting.
And here’s something rather liberating that I’ve learned along the way.
What other people think about you is none of your business.
What you think about yourself? Now that’s worth paying attention to.
Of course, we should listen to people whose opinions we value. Good advice and honest feedback can be enormously helpful.
But there’s a difference between listening to someone and letting them decide who you should be.
Success isn’t about living up to somebody else’s expectations. It’s about recognising what matters to you and living in a way that reflects it.
And the measures change
Here’s another thing.
What success means to you at 25 may be quite different from what it means at 45 or 65.
At one stage of life, you might be focused on building a career. Later, you might find that having more freedom, doing work you enjoy, or simply having time to yourself matters far more than another promotion.
That’s not giving up on ambition.
It’s recognising that life changes. And so do we.
Our experiences shape us. Our priorities shift. We make mistakes, learn a few things, and occasionally discover that something we once thought terribly important doesn’t matter nearly as much as we imagined.
I think that’s called growing up.
Although, after all these years, I’m still working on that one.
Perhaps the most useful thing we can do from time to time is stop and ask ourselves whether the things we’re working so hard to achieve are still the things we actually want.
Because it’s entirely possible to spend years climbing a ladder, only to discover that it’s leaning against the wrong wall.
And wouldn’t that be a nuisance?
The question I always ask
When people talk about success, I’m interested in what they’ve achieved. But I’m even more interested in why those achievements matter to them.
Because success isn’t necessarily about having more, doing more, or proving something to somebody else.
Sometimes it’s about being comfortable with who you are, enjoying what you do, and knowing that the life you’re living is one you’ve chosen.
There is no universal scorecard.
And there certainly isn’t a prize for living somebody else’s life better than they do.
So here’s my question for you this week:
If you stopped measuring your life against what everyone else is doing, what would success look like for you today?
It’s worth giving that some thought.
After all, it’s your life.
You might as well be the one deciding what makes it successful.
— Mel
